I dated an investment banker, who I called H, for 4 years. We were together through his intern, analyst and associate days. Read our full roller-coaster of a story where I take you through the all-nighters, the trips, the fights, the good days, and the horror stories. More recently, you’ll read about my new life post-investment banking. I have literally lived through EVERYTHING investment banking, please feel free to comment on any post and ask me anything! I love hearing from you guys! -S

Monday, April 18, 2016

Polar Opposite.

Monday, April 18, 2016 Posted by iBanker Girl 29 comments
Hi girls :)

I know its been forever, but rest assured its not because anything is wrong.

In fact, things have really worked out for the best for me. I bumped into H a few times at some common social things, but otherwise kept interaction to almost zero.

My life has been really positive and healthy. I've never been fitter, I started a bunch of new athletic activities, I'm socializing more, meeting lots of people (and really cute guys).

Work has been busy and good. Family has been under control as well. Lots of traveling with work and seeing new things.

But most of all, I met a guy friend who kinda changed my outlook on just about everything. I don't even know where to start.

K was a breath of fresh air in my life. He was bubbling with postivity and good vibes. He was optimistic and just generally excited about life. He motivated me, knew how to have fun, let loose and not give a fuck about what anyone thought about him.

He was literally the polar opposite of an investment banker.

We clicked. Like crazy. And his friendship taught me that a guy should be there for you. While just being my friend, he was a better boyfriend than H had EVER been. He put me first. He understood that my family was important to me, he never made me bend over backwards for him. He never burdened me with his stress. He found joy and happiness in making ME happy, which was something I had literally never experienced. He took responsibility, there was no such thing as me paying for anything in his presence, or me driving for that matter. It was constant surprises and little things and big things and non-things and just...ugh I have no idea where I'm going with this.

ANYWAYS! Loooong story short, before you get TOO excited (probably a bit too late), he has a girlfriend and we set boundaries when we noticed that our friendship was getting a bit in the grey zone.

Regardless, being K's friend completely demolished my years of thinking that my relationship with H was acceptable and that his behavior was something that I should accept. Its not something I accept for myself or for any of your girls. If he is making you feel like a burden, something is wrong. If he doesnt find joy in making you happy, something is wrong. If he spends more time bashing other people, gossiping or just generally talking badly about others instead of being positive about life, something is wrong.

I'll try to write more about things I learned from K, but this is just a brief update for now because I know you girls have been waiting for ages to hear from me.

Lots and lots and lots of love being sent your way.

<3 S

Friday, November 20, 2015

Something is changing :)

Friday, November 20, 2015 Posted by iBanker Girl 42 comments
I finally deleted him from Find My Friends. I deleted our shared calendar, left the "Apple Family" that we had to share apps and books. I opted out of all our shared photo albums. I changed my Apple ID password because I knew he had it and could check my location if he wanted to. I did the e-break up which had been long overdue.

Then one day I realized that for the first time in years (literally maybe more than 4 years), H had no idea where I was. He couldn't know where I was even if he wanted to. There was no work around way. No secret app. No access to my account. He couldn't even call me because I blocked his number. I took a moment to process this and I wasn't sure if I would be sad or not. I thought about it again and suddenly I identified the feeling. I felt free. I almost left like I could suddenly do anything. Not that H had me tied down or prevented me from going anywhere, but there was something in the this final link that I had cut that gave me an incredible sense of freedom. I wasn't remotely sad. I felt like I could fly. I smiled. I breathed.

I can actively feel myself changing and growing and healing. Literally there are moments when I can feel the positive energy that I'm injecting into my life. Its shocking because I had no idea how broken I was in the first place to need all this healing.

I went out Wednesday night. Not just a one on one dinner with a friend. Nope. Bar, music, and a lot of dancing. Some friends, some strangers. I had the best night I've had since I can remember. My friend who I have been going out with every so often who I'll now refer to as A was the one who planned the night and told me to come

I bumped into a close common friend between H and I at the bar I was at. We talked and he was really amazed/happy/impressed at how good I was. It was true. I was feeling really good, and every passing day I only felt better. He seemed genuinely happy to see me so happy.

We talked a bit about H. I told him that I knew he was fine because I was checking his location before I deleted him from Find my Friends. I knew he was going to work and to therapy and I knew he was going out because people were calling me left and right to check up on me after hearing from H at party X or Y or Z that we had broken up.

I told him that I was glad he was okay and that it was a relief that all the horrible things that H thought would happen to him if we broke up, didn't.

His friend implied that while H's behaviors were seemingly normal, that he took it really hard and was really down, but managing. He continued by telling me all the emotional blackmail H had put me through about him being unable to function/falling apart without me was bullshit (his friend said it, not me!) I told him that I understood that it was completely justified and that I was glad we managed to overcome the dramatic issues.

He saw me with A, and A made a point to make that quite obvious (not sure if it was the beer he was drinking or if he was feel over protective because of the guy's connection with H). I wondered if H's friend wondered if A was my rebound. I knew he wasn't but I wondered anyways. A and I have a weird dynamic that even I don't understand. When I would fight with H, I would call A and tell him I wanted to see him. I didn't necessarily have to talk about it, but spending time with him was always a guaranteed way to feel better. A was safe. Reliable. Consistent. He never missed a birthday, never missed a funeral, never missed an occasion. He never made me talk if I didn't want to, and he knew that a long hug was usually all I needed.

I am starting to feel the effects of investment banking wear away. I am starting to forget the stress of it all. When I pull up to my apartment, sometimes I forget to look around to make sure H's car isn't parked nearby.

I went to work the next day, sleep deprived but happy and cheerful and upbeat. It was a hectic day but I managed it well and my good results at work are starting to shine through.

Mid-day I got an email from H. For the first time, it didn't shake me. My hands didn't tremble, my heart didn't race. It was a reply about how we should manage the financial logistics between us. It was professional, clear cut, no bullshit. I was genuinely impressed. He was over it, and I was so happy he wasn't trying to be sneaky or trying to win me back. I was relived.

He would handle the stocks and trade what he wanted and try to break even. I wouldn't need to touch it and he would let me know when he was done to give him the money back. A huge relief. He already cancelled my credit cards that were linked to his account (I hadn't tried to use them, so I didn't know), and he said I could have anyone pick up my laptop from his office on any day, just to let him know when it would be so he could leave it with security.

Are you as impressed as I am? With how clean cut his response was. With how he completely dropped the "lets meet up". Just in general. I would have never imagined being able to neatly tie up all the loose ends of such a chaotic, emotionally draining relationship. I was expecting the emotional blackmail to resurface, and any opportunity to pull me back in to be seized.

I continued my work day completely normally. Unphased. Peaceful.

I am so so grateful. I feel new.

Friday, November 13, 2015

I need NEW

Friday, November 13, 2015 Posted by iBanker Girl 9 comments
As H continues his spree of going out and bumping into people we know and telling them we are broken up, I get more and more calls. People checking up on me, who knows if it's genuine or for gossip, but I like to believe it's genuine. Over and over again I get shocked by how many people had bad impressions about him and are amazed at how good I look and sound.

I really am okay! I don't know what people were expecting.

It's kinda getting boring. I'm tired of this relationship defining me. I want a new definition. I'm not sure what to do, but I'm really done with being associated with him. When I tell people it's been months they get a bit shocked. It's still annoying me that he's out literally every night bumping into my friends/acquaintances. It's just annoying. But I'm trying to let that anger and frustration go, because he is part of my past and it doesn't really matter anymore.

I went to a friends house the other night for a Wine and Cheese Night, and it felt good to be with people who didn't know him and didn't know who I was when I was with him. I need to do that more, be completely surrounded by new people, or a few old friends who didn't interact with him much.

I need something NEW! Any ideas??

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Excuse my random thoughts

Wednesday, November 11, 2015 Posted by iBanker Girl 4 comments
As the good vibes continue and work and exercise keep me busy, I'm starting to notice that I have some good physical chemistry with someone from work. I notice the way my breath catches a bit when he comes and sits on my desk and leans into my laptop to tell me something. I notice myself noticing his scent and how comfortable he is being in such close proximity to me. I notice the way he comes and finds me to talk or tease me. It's interesting.

It's nothing I'm planning to act on and nothing I'm sure he will act on either, but I thought it was good to notice that I am at least allowing myself to feel that chemistry with another guy. I feel that it's a good sign for my recovery.

I usually worry about H after 11pm and start to wonder if I should check his location to make sure he's okay. But I don't. I haven't checked in days. He never replied to my SMS so I replied to his email saying pretty much the same thing I said in the SMS. I figured he might have blocked my number so he wouldn't see any texts from me.

But nothing from him at all about the status of our pending issues. I assume he'll reach out at the end of the month after a full month has passed since he sent the email, which is when he originally wanted to meet. Although it's a bit weird for him to not contact me, I'm not frustrated by it. I try to not think of him out partying and getting drunk and meeting random girls and instead focus on me and what my plans are and what I want to do.

I'm trying to finish the thesis I never finished and excel at work and bond with my colleagues since I'm with them 99% of my life anyways!

And sometimes I have a weird thought...would I ever date another banker?

And I literally can't come up with an answer. My gut says no. But I can think of a thousand exceptions. And if not a banker, what about consultants? But they work hours almost as bad as bankers! Would I date a guy I work with? It's quite common at my office for couples to get married within the company, but how weird is that?

I'm obviously into guys who are proud of their jobs and take their lives seriously, but how do you balance that with actually having a life? How do you balance that with a personality sucking job that takes over every piece of your life?

Not sure what I'm getting at today. It's more of a rambling thought day as I try to distract myself from checking on H.

I'm looking forward to the week ending and spending some quality time in the gym!

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Floating

Saturday, November 07, 2015 Posted by iBanker Girl 4 comments
I feel so calm. Everywhere I go and every day that passes I feel like I'm healing and getting stronger. There are some moments when I can actively feel myself getting stronger. Theres no way to explain it!

It seems H has been spreading the word that we've broken up so that I don't have to. Most people know by now, and what's completely shocking is how many positive reactions I've gotten from people.


Obviously, its no way to judge but it was very surprising how no one seems surprised that we broke up, almost like it was inevitable and I was the only one who took so long to realize.

From "you didnt look happy" to "he wasn't good for you" to "wow, no wonder you're looking so relaxed and happy!"

It completely catches me off guard every time.

He's been going out and bumping into people I know left and right and living it up and partying. I assume there has been a lot of alcohol involved. My friends kindly leave out the details for me. He settled back into his old group of friends who I found to be very toxic during our university years, which is why I was never interested in connecting with them.

Its good, I'm glad he's out and about and among people.

I feel re energized. Almost high on life kinda energy. I have a chaotic week of work coming up, but that's okay. I'll get through it.

I did some shopping. Funky new boots and a red lipstick can really pick you up! I feel a bounce in my step and I can't explain it. I have zero doubts, I'm still healing and sometimes I worry about him, but I don't the miss relationship.

I sent him a text a few days ago telling him that I agree we should sort out the logistics and to let me know what they are and I'll start working on them. No answer. It momentarily frustrated me, but then I figured that it was okay, and didn't matter. The logistics would be sorted out eventually, and I feel good. I feel really really good. Kinda freaky good.

I had a recruitment event on Saturday for work. I go to my old university and encourage students to apply for job openings. It was great bumping into younger students and some people my age looking to change jobs or career paths. I bumped into a newely hired investment banking analyst at a competing bank to H's. Not quite as prominent as H's bank but definitely up there. He talked to me about work and it was so easy for me to talk to him and give him advice and guidance. I kept telling him how I 100% understand and we just discussed investment banking culture and how to cope in the hostile environment. At some point he asked me who I knew in the industry (because I obviously didn't work there myself) and I peacefully told him that I was with my ex for 4 years and he works at bank X. He then asked me what my insight would be about ibanking, coming from the ex-girlfriend. I told him it completely consumes you and that you have to be strong to handle it but that I firmly believe that it CAN be good for you. Its a good place to learn and build connections and to grow IF you can get out after some time and not get stuck in the endless chase for the next promotion or the next pay raise or the next bonus.

He was still at the very beginning of the road, but it was oddly refreshing to talk to him and give him some tips as to how to cope in the banking world.


Also bumped into my friend who I had dinner with the other night, he took me out of the recruitment fair for a break and we just sat near a garden and talked. He makes me feel calm.

That's the overwhelming feeling I have, and have been craving for so long--peace. I literally feel like I'm floating above it and its so far in the past, and I'm not sure how I got here so quickly. I haven't checked H's location in more than 24 hours and I'm planning to keep it that way.

I feel like I'll always have this insight and experience from investment banking. Its so unforgettable. Its vivid. I can talk about banking as if I was the one pulling the allnighters with the obnoxious VP. But I wasn't. I was the girl who couldn't sleep because she was too worried about the guy who sat in the office at 4AM formatting a pitch.

Investment banking will forever be a part of me.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Wipe the Slate Clean

Wednesday, November 04, 2015 Posted by iBanker Girl 6 comments
Had a long sit down with a good friend and this is the conclusion we came to.: people don't really change. This is the lesson I am going to learn from all of this. Don't try to change people. Its not fair to you and its not fair to them. Its not right to not accept someone as they are.

Its kinda true, a lot of the issues I had with H are the same ones I had from day zero. I just chose to ignore some, and chose to pressure him to change others. Don't ever do that. Take them for who they are or don't take them at all!

My friend came and picked me up. God that throws me off so much more than it should. The number of times H picked me up in the 4 years I knew him can literally be counted on ONE hand.

As soon as he saw me he smiled and said I looked different. Told him this is the new me. I had been getting a lot of compliments recently about how I was "different". I knew what it was. It was better sleep, exercise, vitamins, peace of mind, and no anxiety. I just tell them that it's the new me.

We went out for dinner. He pulls out my chair. Pours me more to drink when my glass runs empty. He pays gracefully. He helps me put my jacket on, casually puts his arm around me, and pulls me in for a hug as the chilly wind creeps through my jacket.

What was WRONG with H?! This guy isn't even interested in me (I promise! He's just an old friend who I'm very physically comfortable with, this has been the case with him before, during and after H), he just cares about me. Its obviously not that hard, you just have to want to do it.

We had a long talk over dinner. He knows details about H that most people don't. He was sitting next to me when I tried to break up with H the first time over the phone when our relationship took a serious nose dive. He knew how crazy H got when he couldn't reach me, so nothing I said shocked him.

I told him my concerns about the pending issues. I didn't outright ask him to handle it, but he made it clear that his opinion was that I just bite the bullet, finish the pending shit with H and move forward. He promised that he would be there in case H lost it or came looking for me or if I needed someone to intervene for any reason.

But overall his opinion was to wipe the slate clean once and for all.

As he dropped me off and stepped out to give me a last hug, he said he hadn't seen me so happy in a really long time. He was right.

Everything he said made sense to me honestly and I had a really nice evening. I don't want to think about what that means about me dealing with H.  For now I am peaceful and happy.


Tuesday, November 3, 2015

And then he catches you off guard...

Tuesday, November 03, 2015 Posted by iBanker Girl 15 comments
Its been a busy few days. Work has been busy, my manager is away so I've been handling a lot on my own. Combined with a very close friend's wedding over the weekend and all the celebrations that come with weddings. The wedding weekend went fine, I was 100% fine. Like...in a weird way. It completely didn't affect me. I was happy for her and dancing and relaxed. Isn't it weird how weddings made me so tense when I actually had a boyfriend/fiance, and how they are completely peaceful and fun now that I don't? I'm so weird!

So I was working at the office one day, just peacefully, efficiently, and busily (is that a word?) and then...BAM.

Email from H.

In the midst of my work inbox, while I was flipping between files. It just stood there. Waiting to be opened. Begging to be opened.

I felt my hands shake. I opened it and read it.

My hands continued to shake and I decided to go for a walk around the office. I was hoping I would bump into any of my close work friends who I could talk to, but I didn't, which was probably better. The walk calmed me. I went back to my desk, reread the email, and decided to deal with it later. I was okay. No tears, no panic attack. Less than 10 min later and I was back to work.

The day stayed busy and I was surrounded by good spirit and positive energy (thank goodness for this job).

The drive home gave me a chance/forced me to think.

In his email he apologized, very specific apologies to literally everything that had hurt me. It was reassuring that he actually understood why the hell we broke up. He also indicated that he understood fully that we weren't together but rather working on moving on separately. That's good too.

And then he proposed we meet in one month to close pending logistical issues (refer to my post on "pending issues"). So it seemed he was aware of the pending issues...

He also explicitly asked me to not buy/sell any of the stocks in my account. Fair enough.

The day before I got into an argument with H's closest friend who was also a close friend of mine because I asked him how H was. I told him that I assumed H was fine since he was going to work, visiting his family on weekends, going out, and going to therapy (I knew this obviously because of my find my friends stalking). His friend snapped at me and pretty much said its none of your fucking business. It was clear to me that I wouldn't be able to talk to the friend again (he and I were the type of friends who could talk about anything without judgement), and so I let it go and accepted that I couldn't possibly expect that H's only close friend would stay my friend as well.

The following day was the day I got the email from H. It was weird. I assumed that the timings were somehow connected but I couldn't quite figure out how.

I decided to do nothing. I wasn't ready to reply. Didn't think I would want to meet him and I can't possibly think of anything that can't be dealt with remotely.

I can sell the stocks and transfer the money, he can drop of my Macbook at the reception of my office or with any mutual friend who would be willing to pass it by my house.

And I'll cut the supplementary credit cards I have on his account.

Not that hard honestly. Unless he has another purpose to the meeting, or other pending issues I don't know about.

For now I'm just putting his email on hold. Going to the gym. Going out. Seeing people. Getting some praise at work for doing well. And just...breathing. It feels so good to breathe. I am literally getting compliments on my complexion from people who I don't know that well. I'm taking care of ME, and his email is just...distracting. Ugh.

I'm going out with a friend tomorrow who I trust and is usually one of my saviors in times of need, especially with H issues. I'll take his opinion on the situation, I'm trying to see if there's a way for someone else to see what H's "pending logistical issues" are, in case he has something else in mind and handle them without me having to interact with H.

What do you girls think? I really think that seeing him will only upset me. H will never just let it be a logistical meeting. I'll be thinking about it non-stop. It will have me edgy and uncomfortable. Just his email threw me off, I don't think seeing him will help me in any way.

I am so much happier in my peaceful bubble of work, family, gym, friends, I really don't have the energy or emotional capacity to disturb that balance.

From what I know about H...he's fine. A friend saw him at a Halloween party, he's obviously finding his own ways to cope. He's partying, drinking, going to therapy, showing up to the office, and visiting his family on weekends.

Tell me what you think of this mess!

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Premature Peace?

Saturday, October 31, 2015 Posted by iBanker Girl 9 comments
I had a deep discussion with a friend from work who didn't know that H and I had broke up. She was really surprised when I told her. She felt like I had taken the breakup really well. As I told her the story she kept saying how she felt I was so peaceful, and how when I spoke it sounded like it was ages ago when it was actually recent.

She was right. I felt like I was talking about something that was so far in the past, and I DID feel really peaceful. I went home in a stunned state.

I checked his location. He was in a really weird part of the city. I got worried. He wasn't moving. His dot stayed still for hours in an area I couldn't possibly figure out why he was there. I kept checking. My mind went to the worst possible things.

Why was I so worried about him? I don't want him back.

Another night I was checking his location and I discovered he was very close to my house. I immediately felt sick. It was 1AM and I had sharp pain in my stomach. I obsessively followed his little dot until he was home, then I was finally able to sleep.

So many people have been telling me how amazing and peaceful and strong I look and seem and am. It scares me. Am I supposed to be more sad? Is there more pain still coming that I haven't processed? I almost feel guilty for feeling okay. And why do I keep checking his location?

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Time & Pending Issues

Saturday, October 17, 2015 Posted by iBanker Girl 14 comments
Time is a really weird thing. Some how things can simultaneously feel like they were years ago and just yesterday.

It's been a month since we've had any communication. It's by far the longest it's ever been that we went without speaking. It's been some of the least stressful and most peaceful days I've ever had.

I still worry about him. I wonder how he is and what he's doing. But I don't want to know. As curious as I am, I really don't want to know. The funny thing is that I've had lots of offers from people who said they could find out about him for me. I declined every time. I feel better like this. Burying myself in fitness and friends and family and work. I've been doing some guided meditations and there are times when I can literally feel myself getting stronger and better. Sometimes it will be in the middle of a meditation, or a middle of a workout. I'll just pause and feel myself healing.

I get sudden flashbacks of our relationship all the time. I'm starting to really identify the qualities and traits in a person that are important to me, and the things I'm not okay with.

I now know why I held on so long. It's not something I'm very proud of, and I think it's very applicable to this blog so I'll tell you girls about my thoughts on this.

I had this unexplainable urge to prove to everyone that they were wrong about him. That they were wrong about investment banking. That I was strong enough. That being with me changed him. I was so stubborn about it. I wanted to be right about him. I felt like I had something to prove.

I know how stupid and petty that is, but I can't believe that there was a possibility that I live the rest of my life doing that. I feel relived to have come to the realization that it's okay to be wrong. I'm still incredibly embarrassed that we broke up. I still get ransoms congratulations from people and have to correct them. But I'm starting to adjust.

I don't have doubts. I'm not second guessing myself. On the contrary actually, all my flashbacks do is reassure me that I made the right decision. I just worry about him.

I still secretly check his location from time to time to make sure he's okay even though I no longer share my location with him. I wonder what he's told his colleagues. I wonder if he still wears his ring. I met one of his coworkers at a wedding and I'm sure she noticed I wasn't wearing mine.

There's still one main pending point which I don't know what to do about. H invested a significant amount of money in some equities in my name. He specifically told me that if we broke up that the money would remain mine, but honestly it's way too much money to keep. I need to give it back, but I first need to sell the stocks and some of them I'd be selling at a loss. And how would I give the money back to him without interacting? Interacting will be too complicated and too painful. Also he has my personal MacBook because he wanted to learn to code for iOS on it. It's a couple years old MacBook and I'm willing to not get it back but I really don't know what to do about the money. Help!


Monday, October 5, 2015

Thank-you!

Monday, October 05, 2015 Posted by iBanker Girl 7 comments
Girls this will be a short one until I can get back to each of your comments individually.

I am so incredibly grateful for every single one of your comments. They give me perspective and make me feel stronger. I have been diving back into work and fitness and clearing my head. I've been taking care of my skin, my hair, my nails. Taking my vitamins, pampering myself. Reaching out to my family and friends and expressing my gratitude towards them. People at work have noticed that my face is brighter, my hair is shinier, and that I have a bounce in my step.

The corporate world forced me to come out of hibernation to face the world. I'm feeling more calm, more peaceful. I have less nightmares, less panic attacks. I am not jealous of the endless engagements and weddings. Quite the contrary actually, I am proud and happy for people who have found a way to make it work, and I'm coming to terms that I didn't really get there, and that's OKAY. Maybe one day I'll get there, maybe I won't! Regardless, I'll always have my work, friends, family, cat and you girls :)

So this is just a little update that I'm feeling better, and I can't do it without each of you. Will have a more thorough update very soon.

Lots and lots and lots of love,
S